So today is going to be the first day I’m staying home in about 2 weeks. I’m happy to be staying home, but I’m nervous that I’m going to set myself back. I do plan on going out tomorrow and doing some things around the house (to keep my mind busy), but I am nervous. I’m not as nervous as I was the other day when I thought I was going to try to just stay home, but it is still there. I feel like I can just tell myself, if symptoms come around, that I can just say it’s anxiety and that I’m going to be okay. At least I hope that’s what I can do and that I won’t have to worry about it.
This is sadly normal for anyone that has anxiety. I worry about things that are in the future, when I should just be focused on today. I worry about if I’m going to be okay for Saturday, if when I go away if I’m going to be okay, if I get on a plane if I’m going to be okay. Things I really shouldn’t be worried about cause they aren’t happening today or tomorrow. I don’t even know the next time I’ll be getting on a plane, but yet here I am thinking, “Oh man, will I be able to go on a plane and not have my anxiety with me through the whole trip?” This thought shouldn’t be in my head and I am using what I’ve learned (challenging the negative thinking). I’m asking myself if I’m confusing thought with fact, if it’s likely to happen, if it’s a hassle or a horror. I’m also reminding myself that if I do go somewhere, I’ll most likely be with someone. It might not be on the plane, but when I land there is going to be someone there waiting for me at the airport. Most likely, that person is going to be someone that I trust and knows about my anxiety.
I think I might plan a weekend away in the next few months, just to show myself that there is nothing to worry about if I do go away. I won’t go alone, that way if something does happen I can have someone there to drive home and just be a calming presence. I go off my meds in a few days, which is crazy because time is going by really fast. I’m a little nervous, considering I know that it’s going to give me some side effects while coming off of it, but I am going to try to get off these meds and see what happens. I figured by the end of March, I’ll be able to tell if I’m really ready or not to get off my meds or I have to get back on it. I can’t wait to be able to go out to the bar again and have a drink and drink coffee in the morning. While I’m tampering off, I’ve been avoiding those said things for a bit. Until I’m used to being off the medicine, I want to avoid any extra “anxiety”.
My therapist said, back when I was on my pills, that I shouldn’t avoid them because I have to see what is the liquor/caffeine and what is the anxiety. However, right now I just want to make sure that I’m okay without those things in my system, be able to handle that and then introduce a little liquor/caffeine to see what happens. Again, that will probably be in March.
Good news though is that I made it through January without having to go back on my pills full time, which I didn’t know if I’d be able to do, and I’m going to be getting off of them soon (Friday is the last day I’ll be taking it). Wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted.