So, yesterday was the first day since getting sick out that I was going out. I went out for a little while the day before, but that wasn’t with the one day at a time and it wasn’t for very long. It was also to a place where I knew I’d be okay if I got sick. Well I’m doing fine all day and then when I get that text that says that he’s on his way, I feel it. I feel the anxiety come over me. My stomach is in knots, I feel like I might get sick, my appetite vanishes, and I’m pacing. I hate this. I ask myself those questions, the ones that challenge negative thoughts and they’re not working. I go to the bathroom, thinking that might help my stomach, and I guess it kind of does. I get out my color therapy book, I can’t focus on it. I finally lay down on the sofa and that makes me finally calm down. By the time he gets here (cause he takes forever :p), I’m alright.
So we head out to Target (cause that’s where people in their 20s go when they have no idea what to do). While walking around it Target, I feel it a bit. I feel that starting feeling of just well not right. But by the time we get to the other side of Target, I’m good. Maybe I forget it, who knows. I’m not questioning it (cause if I do I’ll drive myself crazy). We go to Gamestop, where I got this awesome Deadpool shirt, and I’m fine there the whole time. We go to the Goodwill store, trying to find some old video games cause I have a PS2 and haven’t upgraded in years, and I’m good. We go to three other stores and guess what, I’m good. We grab something to eat, to bring back to my place, and I’m still good.
We get home, still good, until we sit down to eat. I take one bite of dinner and that’s when it hits me again. Why?! I’m home! I’m in my safe place. Is it because I’m eating and I’m afraid that said food is going to make my stomach upset? Is it because my stomach already is upset and I can’t eat anything? I’m not sure. So I make myself some tea and I get my color therapy book again. As soon as my tea is done, I’m good. I’m good for the hours that we’re playing games and then once he leaves, I’m back to feeling, well not right. I tried to eat the chocolate that we picked up for dessert, so again….is it just my anxiety or is it my stomach acting up due to the medicine that triggers my anxiety?
So, I made a therapy appointment. I can’t feel nervous all the time going out, I can’t get sick each time I eat something, so I need some help. I don’t need help per say on the anxiety issue. I need help judging myself and what to do. Nancy has seen me at my worst and my best. She can evaluate me now and see where I fall. She also knows more about anxiety vs the withdrawals and what I’m experiencing. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m going back to therapy. Therapy helps me more than the medicine and right now I need some help. I hope no one feels that they’re ashamed of going to therapy because you shouldn’t.
I also want to see if I’m scared to go out in general about getting sick or if it just acts up when I’m going out with Jon cause I’m scared that I’m going to get sick while he’s there (not that I haven’t done this already so it’s silly for me to think that) or if his parents invite us somewhere to eat that I’m going to get sick in front of them. I know I shouldn’t worry about either of those things, but anxiety makes you worry about things like that.
Even though yesterday sounded like a bad day, I did accomplish something. I could have told Jon I just wanted to stay home all day and not try to go to Target. Granted, I told him to stay close to home, but baby steps is the way to do it. So, I’m proud that we did go to all those stores and that I was okay. I am looking forward to Thursday, seeing Nancy, because I know she will help me put my mind to rest. If you’re thinking about therapy, I highly recommend it.