This post goes hand in hand with the “Being That Friend With Anxiety”. I am not expert when it comes to relationships, so this post isn’t going to be relationship advice or anything like that. This is more of the what to do if your partner has anxiety or you want to date someone, but their anxiety is holding them back. It’s definitely not easy being with someone that has anxiety, but I assure you that it’s worth it and that them having anxiety shouldn’t make them less “dateable”.
Now I’ve never really had a serious relationship. I’ve been on dates, I feel in love with a guy once (young and stupid, but still feel in love with him), etc. However, I’ve never had something that I would call a serious relationship. Until recently, I have never met someone else’s parents, have that someone else meet my parents, have them pick me up to go out on a date, and see them more than once a week. Now my relationship issues aren’t really anxiety related, more trusted related. It’s very hard for me to trust the members of the opposite sex because of the bullying that I went through in middle school and high school. I’m not going to get into that, but it fucked me up. I like to run away after meeting someone. I find one problem with them and that gives me the excuse to run.
“His teeth are too crooked. He’s too short. His voice is too high. He talks too much about politics. He’s coming on too strong. He doesn’t talk enough. His facial hair is weird.” You name it I’ve used it all. I’ve already told the guy that I’m taking things day by day with that I honestly don’t know what made me stick around with him because I probably could have found something that would have made me stop talking to him. I thought for sure when I walked out of that sushi place we went to on our first date that that would be the last time I would see him….and here we are a year later. Now I’ve had a few anxiety incidents in front of him and a few non anxiety incidents…..like puking on the side of the road due to drinking a slushy too fast….not a fun night.
However, he hasn’t walked away due to this anxiety, which I’m very glad about. Just the other day I was out with him and I had felt like I was going to get sick (which I kind of did in the bathroom). I told him that we might have to leave. While I was in the bathroom, he got the check, let me hold his hand, and let me hug him (he’s not that big into hugs so it’s always nice when I can hug him). He understands and reads these posts, so he can understand more of what I’m going through, which again I’m very glad about. Some people don’t understand though, so this is for you.
There are going to be times where we cancel plans.
It’s not you, it’s me. I actually mean that this time. 9/10 times, I’ve been looking forward to going out with you. However, my anxiety can come out of no where and it could be on the day we have plans. It’s sometimes out of nerves and other times it’s out of excitement. I do get excited when I get the text saying that you’re on your way and sometimes my mind might think that’s anxiety instead.
Making the first move is something you have to do
Anxiety will probably cause me not to make the first move, so you will have to do that. Me not being able to make the first move is due to trust issues as well, but my anxiety makes me think that if I lean in and kiss you that you’ll reject it and I’ll fuck everything up. Taking things slow is usually the go to for people with anxiety, so if you put your hand on my backside and I push it away, don’t do it. Either that or ask before you do it.
Just because I’m around you doesn’t mean you give me anxiety
I honestly don’t know why my anxiety shows up sometimes. My anxiety can show up out of nowhere at anytime. I could be having the best time and then all of a sudden anxiety can come over me. Usually, I know why my anxiety pays me a visit. However, there are times where I have no idea why it shows up. It happens and most likely it’s not your fault.
Hugs go along way
Hugs are sometimes the best thing you can do when your partner is experiencing an anxiety attack. It lets me know you’re there and you’re there for me. That you’re willing to help me and you’re not going anywhere just because I’m having an anxiety attack.
Meeting the family will make me nervous
I am so shocked that I didn’t throw up or anything before meeting my day by day’s parents. I felt like it and I kept saying I was going to kill him as he drove me to his house, but I didn’t get sick and didn’t make an idiot out of myself (I don’t think). Meeting someone new is always nerve wracking, but with anxiety it’s ten times worse. Thoughts go through our minds, saying that they’re not going to like us, we’re going to fuck up or say something embarrassing (which we’re going to remember forever), etc. Just let us know that it’s going to be okay and the said person we’re going to meet is going to love us. This doesn’t mean we don’t want to meet them, it just means that we’re thinking the worst.
Be patient with us. Just like I made excuses and didn’t want to hang out more than once a week, there will be a day (if I let you in) where I will want to hang out with you all the time. Be patient when it comes from us recovering from our anxiety . It might take us a few minutes or maybe a few days to recover from it. We will let you know when we’re ready to hang out again and we’re ready to go on a long road trip.
I’m sure I can add more to this list, but these are the ones that come fresh to my mind. If your partner has anxiety and are looking for tips, comment or message me on Twitter @smallville0628.