Anxiety and I

Welcome to my blog. If you asked me three years ago what kind of blog I would be making, I would have said entertainment (which could show up on this blog from time to time). I never thought I would hit “health/wellness” when making a blog. However, things in life are always unexpected….much like anxiety. About this time last year, I was officially diagnosed with  an anxiety disorder. I knew I worried a lot, there were times where I did have a panic attack. I was never diagnosed with anxiety though. However, my anxiety was never this bad.

At the time, I was working my first “job” (I say that cause it was an internship) in New York City. It was a little overwhelming, since I never went into the city without meeting my friend there. This time, I had to do it on my own. However, that’s not what caused my panic attack. No, it was that I had some pain and a tingling sensation going from my left hip to my left knee. To this day, I’m not sure what that pain was, but they told me to get an x-ray, just in case it was something serious (doctor’s have to cover their asses). I walked into the doctor’s office, after getting them done, and he was silent for a bit as he looked at them. He said that everything looked fine……BUT there was a spot on my hip bone that he wanted me to get checked out.He assured me that it wasn’t cancer, but my mind wasn’t listening. My mind was thinking, “I have to get a bone scan, where they are going to inject me with radio active dye, to make sure I don’t have cancer.”

I cried all the way out of the doctor’s office and until I got home (thankfully my mom was with me and she was driving). I went through the test, which wasn’t as bad as it seemed…..but nothing I want anyone to go through. Sure enough the test came back negative and I did not have cancer. I was okay for about two days. No tingling, no pain, I was good.  Then January came and the tingly feel was back with a vengeance.  It was not just in my leg this time. It was in both legs, then my arms, then my face, and then my whole body. I had no idea what was going on! So I went to the doctor. From there she told me that she wasn’t sure what was wrong, considering that my nerves were okay. She told me to go see a specialist, to make sure that it was nothing serious.

Well, I didn’t make it to the specialist without another trip to my main doctor. I felt like my heart was racing a few days later. I could hear my heart beat every time I tried to go to sleep. I felt anxious every time I tried to sleep and I would wake up in a panic each time I woke up. When I told the doctor, she gave me some Xanax (which I did not want), and told me that she was going to start me on Zoloft. She also wanted me to see a therapist. The latter I was okay with, the meds….not so much. I did not want to take it, but everyone said that it would help, so I did.

About mid January I met with my therapist for the first time. Her name is Nancy and she helped me a lot. Each session she gave me more advice about how to handle my anxiety, answered any questions I may have, she let me talk about whatever was bothering me, and I felt safe there. She was honest with me and told me the most important thing, “Anxiety is never going to go away. There is not a medicine out there that can do that.” With that in mind, I knew if I had a set back that it was okay because that is what happens when you have anxiety.

I started therapy once a week, then every other week, then once a month, and now I have “graduated”. I know I can go back any time I want (which down the road I may cause who know what will happen) and that it won’t make me a weak person. I am now starting my journey of weeding off of my medicine. I was only on a 25mg dose, so I’m hoping that my brain won’t freak out too much when I’m completely off of it.

I’m not making this blog to showboat. No, I’m making this so I can document both the good and the bad that comes with anxiety (yes, there is some good). Just because I have achieved so much, doesn’t mean that I don’t have my bad days. I definitely do, especially when it comes to me not feeling good (health anxiety is a pain in the ass).  I’m also doing this to help others. I have learned so much and I don’t think a lot of people know these said things unless they go to a therapist. If you have any questions, whether they be my anxiety or yours, please feel free to ask them. This is a judge free zone! So welcome to my blog 🙂



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